What does everyone think about their bathroom scale? I get the feeling that if I actually asked that question, people would say, “It’s just something that measures your weight, right? What’s to like or dislike about it?” That’s how most people seem to think. Some of them would probably say “I hate those damn things! I feel awful every time I step on one.” As crazy as it sounds, I feel sympathy for bathroom scales.

If I’m being perfectly honest, I really like bathroom scales. I’ve owned many throughout my life. The noble bathroom scale… it passes the time silently in the corner of the bathroom, occasionally dragged out and stepped on by someone who say “ohhh” and “ahhh” and other things that it doesn’t quite understand, and then is pushed back into the corner. Every time I see a bathroom scale I wonder how I’d feel if I spent my whole life as one of them. I’d like to do something nice for them, but there’s nothing I can think of.

So look, I’m a fan of bathroom scales, but not all bathroom scales are created equal. Just as I have certain preferences when it comes to women and clothing, so too do I have my preferred bathroom scales. I don’t like those new ones that blink your weight on a digital display when you step on them. They’re sleek and easy to read, but I just don’t trust ’em. They’re a black box of mystery that nobody really understands the inner workings of. There could be some little imp inside the machine deciding on a whim that the person standing above looks heavy and inputting “72 kilograms” on their little keyboard while yawning away. I’m such a suspicious guy.

I love those old style scales like the ones you’d find at the grocery store for weighing vegetables. The weight of whatever you put on it would pull the markings to the left and right to display the current weight right in the center. What a simple design! It took a while for the scale to settle enough to read out the weight, but man what a great device that was. You don’t see it any more these days. There was one at the at the gym I’d visit every day for the month I’d spend around the end of the year to relax in Hawaii (yeah, I know, sorry). I grew very fond of it.

I got serious about diet and exercise after I ate out a bunch in Tokyo and gained some weight. I only lost three kilograms. I think the secret to weight loss is falling in love with the right bathroom scale, but I’m about the only person you’ll find making that claim.